I’m sitting here with James sleeping in my lap and, as often is the case when I don’t have anything else to actively engage my mind, am wondering what it is that I really want to do with my life.

I’m 99% certain that I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom. It’s all well and good when I can sit here with a happily sleeping baby, a tv show in the background, and a book within reach. I don’t have the emotional energy, though, to keep up with little kids much less big ones. I know this about myself. I go a little crazy after a few hours of trying to keep everyone content. It never quite works the way I’d like. And, when it’s in the midst of not working out, well, not having the chance to have a moment of quiet thinking time to myself does no one any good. As Lucy likes to say, I “have hormones”.

And yet as the days count down to my going back to work, I am growing increasingly sad. I love this one-on-one time with baby james — I know sharing is good but it will be so much harder when I don’t see him all day. And it’s been really good to be able to be there for Lucy as we deal with these doctor appointments. Plus it’s been good to know that if something at school is going on I can go to it. Errands. It’s nice to be able to do errands and not be rushing around. Oh, and friends. To be able to have a leisurely lunch or meet for coffee or stroll around the neighborhood…

Hmmmm. Where’s the ‘but’? I’m not really sure. I love my job. I miss seeing my friends there. I like being able to help fix things. And I like to be able to think.

I don’t know. I’m really glad of the timing — it will help make the transition easier. But things do need to change. The pace I had pre-james is not one I want to keep up. The focus needs to be different. I’m not sure how we’re going to do it but we have to. I don’t want to do this any other way.